37 and I Finally Know Who I Am (And that’s okay)

This birthday has been a tough one.  Let’s face it:  Getting close to the big four-oh can be a scary and depressing thing.  Especially when you don’t FEEL almost 40.  I swear, the 1990’s were just ten years ago.  Weren’t they?  Well, the good part of all this is I finally have come to recognize who I am as a person and this is a very freeing thing.   

For those of you who are interested in this admittedly narcissistic post, here are 5 highlights:

1.     I am an introvert who has learned to act extroverted. 

I am always borderline on those personality tests – sometimes I and sometimes E.  This isn’t a case of multiple-personality.  It’s just that I tend toward introverted qualities (i.e.  waiting and watching before joining in, needing personal alone time, daydreaming, preferring to work alone) but am in quasi-public positions in which it is beneficial to behave in more sociable ways.  So I do.  It’s not fake – I’m still ME-  but it’s also not necessarily my bent.  I can be led or I can be a leader.   And that’s okay. 

2.     I will never be the epitome of a perfect “stay-at-home” soccer mom.

I’ve tried.  And I’ve failed miserably.  I love my kids more than I can possibly explain in words but I’m a better mom when I’m a “work-outside-the-home” mom.  God calls us each to a particular path in life.  And that’s okay.

My crazy family - better than a clean house any day!

3.     I maintain a messy house on a weekly basis.

And I no longer feel the need to apologize.  Do I love clutter?  Nope.  But it happens.  And that’s okay.  Do I love a clean house?  YES.  I love to get everything picked up and scrubbed and looking beautiful.  I’m thankful for all the things I have and I like being able to take care of them when I have the time to devote to it.  But it isn’t my first priority and that’s okay, too.

4.     I am talented and smart and can accomplish what God has called me to (through Him!).

Hear my heart.  I debated whether to include this realization in this post because I don’t want it to be misconstrued.  But here it is:  I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my adult life, but here in my late 30’s, I’m finally accepting the fact that I DO have talent and ability.  I may not be the most talented or intelligent or beautiful person in the room – there is always somebody better – but that doesn’t mean my contributions to the world are worthless.  In fact, I’ve been surprised time after time at every single, seemingly insurmountable, task that God has brought me through successfully and unscathed.  I can’t take credit for a single “achievement,” but I recognize and am grateful that God has chosen to use me.  The talent He has given me is more like Salieri’s than Mozart’s (see the movie, Amadeus, if you don’t understand this reference! Here's a CLIP!), but it’s still talent and He expects me to be faithful with it.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer over my weaknesses (self-doubt being one of them), and yet His Word speaks truth to my soul:  “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.  And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (from 2 Corinthians 12:8-10)  He has proven this in my life over and over.  My passion may exceed my talent, but all things are possible through Christ.  And that’s okay.

5.     I am right where I need to be.

I have prayed for a long time that God would empower me to leave a legacy for Him – a handprint on this world.  And in my mind, this was always to be something very special, something very big and visible.  Maybe this self-imposed expectation has contributed to my feelings of inadequacy (see #4 above) but there it is.  HOWEVER, God has shown me that He has put me in the perfect place to leave a legacy for Him…something not so big and visible, but perhaps something more meaningful in the grand scheme of things (which He sees and I do not).  He delights in reminding me of this on occasion. For example, I prayed one morning for some encouragement because I was feeling down about some things that were happening in my singing ministry.  How did He answer that prayer?  Not in any way I would have thought!  He placed in my path that very day three different, random people who told me how much my classes and teaching meant to them.  Wait a minute…my TEACHING?  Not my singing?  Not my writing?  Yes, as a teacher, God can use me to inspire and influence and plant seeds of hope!  And I’m learning this has been the case over and over, much to my surprise.  The legacy I am leaving is more like a trail of fingerprints than one huge stamp, and that’s MORE than okay.

There are others, but this is enough for one blog. It's a strange thing to realize that I am now old enough to be the MOTHER of some of my youngest college students.  But recognizing some of these things about myself is, in a way, more freeing than being in my early 20's and looking ahead to my whole life in front of me.  Life is funny that way. And you know what?  I STILL have my whole life ahead of me, however long God has planned. ;-)



Grace and peace,
Becky