You Made A Splash

“Becky….Phoenix died last night.”

These words ring in my ears.  My sweet 19 month old niece had passed away in her sleep, found by my sister, Beth, that morning.

 

As we begin to gather together as a family and spread the tragic news and make arrangements for the days ahead, the waves of grief and shock are overwhelming.  It is surreal at best, crushing at worst. Sometimes I feel like all the words have been said and other times it seems there isn’t enough time to say them all.

It’s been a week now.  Looking back, it’s been a whirlwind of family gathering and visitations and all that happens when a loved one leaves us.  But in the midst of this week, time has all but stood still.  I would think hours had passed, yet a quick glance at the clock bewildered me, revealing only the passing of minutes.  I suppose this is what death does:  It slows us in our everyday busy-ness and forces us to look it in the face.  Our family has been forced to look death in the face much more often than we’re comfortable with in these last 6 months.  Death isn’t something we want to think about, talk about, read about.  As the wisened King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, death makes us contemplate the meaning of it all.  He says in Eccles. 1:13b-14, “What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind!  I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”  But he also gives us the key to finding meaning in life when he advises, “Remember your Creator!” in the last chapter of the book.

I can affirm that my own faith has not been shaken.  God is good.  God LOVES us.  He loves Phoenix and Beth and Luke.  I have not once thought things like, “How could a loving God allow this?” or “God must not exist because how could He with this kind of tragedy in the world?” or “God must be out to get us because this is just cruel.”  But I also acknowledge that it’s only THROUGH God that I know that I know that I know He is good and loves us and isn’t cruel and has a purpose that’s higher than I can imagine.  This is the kind of faith that only comes from God – I can’t claim it.  I’m looking at Philippians 4:7 in a way I never have before.  It says: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  This is what He does – he gives a peace that can only come from Him, and in that realization, your heart and mind are guarded.  How amazing is His love that He never tires of showing us the ways He works in detail.

That said, this divine peace doesn’t mean my heart isn’t utterly broken and aching; my insides feel like they're on the outside.  These are the darkest days I think we’ve walked as a family.  If you are a parent, you can imagine, just as I do, what kind of void has been opened in the lives of Beth and Luke.  A void that by its nature is empty, yet is simultaneously so very full to the brim with grief.  I’m not going to “go there” just now, but we all feel the heaviness of that.  And I know that the deep sorrow I feel as an aunt cannot compare to that of a mother with empty arms.  I hurt because I feel the loss of my precious niece, but I also hurt for them and feel powerless to help.

1 Peter 5:10 says, “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”  Oh, how I am eager to be restored after suffering!  To be made strong, firm, and steadfast.  I know He is working, even in this, for the good of those who love Him.  I know this in my mind and heart and body, but when you’re sitting in a place like this, it’s so hard to fully embrace.  

  

When Phoenix was born and we came to learn more about Apert's Syndrome, it became clear that her story was one which touched many hearts in a powerful way.  People who had never met her or even Beth and Luke gave money to help with her medical expenses, saved tabs and did other fundraisers, prayed for her daily, and shared in her life via Facebook updates.  Last Tuesday, Phoenix finished her 6 week swim class and the instructor awarded her a certificate that said, “You made a splash.”  Boy, did she ever.  Phoenix Roanne, you made a giant splash!  We are grateful for the tidal wave you brought to our lives.  

All my love,
Becky

37 and I Finally Know Who I Am (And that’s okay)

This birthday has been a tough one.  Let’s face it:  Getting close to the big four-oh can be a scary and depressing thing.  Especially when you don’t FEEL almost 40.  I swear, the 1990’s were just ten years ago.  Weren’t they?  Well, the good part of all this is I finally have come to recognize who I am as a person and this is a very freeing thing.   

For those of you who are interested in this admittedly narcissistic post, here are 5 highlights:

1.     I am an introvert who has learned to act extroverted. 

I am always borderline on those personality tests – sometimes I and sometimes E.  This isn’t a case of multiple-personality.  It’s just that I tend toward introverted qualities (i.e.  waiting and watching before joining in, needing personal alone time, daydreaming, preferring to work alone) but am in quasi-public positions in which it is beneficial to behave in more sociable ways.  So I do.  It’s not fake – I’m still ME-  but it’s also not necessarily my bent.  I can be led or I can be a leader.   And that’s okay. 

2.     I will never be the epitome of a perfect “stay-at-home” soccer mom.

I’ve tried.  And I’ve failed miserably.  I love my kids more than I can possibly explain in words but I’m a better mom when I’m a “work-outside-the-home” mom.  God calls us each to a particular path in life.  And that’s okay.

My crazy family - better than a clean house any day!

3.     I maintain a messy house on a weekly basis.

And I no longer feel the need to apologize.  Do I love clutter?  Nope.  But it happens.  And that’s okay.  Do I love a clean house?  YES.  I love to get everything picked up and scrubbed and looking beautiful.  I’m thankful for all the things I have and I like being able to take care of them when I have the time to devote to it.  But it isn’t my first priority and that’s okay, too.

4.     I am talented and smart and can accomplish what God has called me to (through Him!).

Hear my heart.  I debated whether to include this realization in this post because I don’t want it to be misconstrued.  But here it is:  I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my adult life, but here in my late 30’s, I’m finally accepting the fact that I DO have talent and ability.  I may not be the most talented or intelligent or beautiful person in the room – there is always somebody better – but that doesn’t mean my contributions to the world are worthless.  In fact, I’ve been surprised time after time at every single, seemingly insurmountable, task that God has brought me through successfully and unscathed.  I can’t take credit for a single “achievement,” but I recognize and am grateful that God has chosen to use me.  The talent He has given me is more like Salieri’s than Mozart’s (see the movie, Amadeus, if you don’t understand this reference! Here's a CLIP!), but it’s still talent and He expects me to be faithful with it.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer over my weaknesses (self-doubt being one of them), and yet His Word speaks truth to my soul:  “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.  And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (from 2 Corinthians 12:8-10)  He has proven this in my life over and over.  My passion may exceed my talent, but all things are possible through Christ.  And that’s okay.

5.     I am right where I need to be.

I have prayed for a long time that God would empower me to leave a legacy for Him – a handprint on this world.  And in my mind, this was always to be something very special, something very big and visible.  Maybe this self-imposed expectation has contributed to my feelings of inadequacy (see #4 above) but there it is.  HOWEVER, God has shown me that He has put me in the perfect place to leave a legacy for Him…something not so big and visible, but perhaps something more meaningful in the grand scheme of things (which He sees and I do not).  He delights in reminding me of this on occasion. For example, I prayed one morning for some encouragement because I was feeling down about some things that were happening in my singing ministry.  How did He answer that prayer?  Not in any way I would have thought!  He placed in my path that very day three different, random people who told me how much my classes and teaching meant to them.  Wait a minute…my TEACHING?  Not my singing?  Not my writing?  Yes, as a teacher, God can use me to inspire and influence and plant seeds of hope!  And I’m learning this has been the case over and over, much to my surprise.  The legacy I am leaving is more like a trail of fingerprints than one huge stamp, and that’s MORE than okay.

There are others, but this is enough for one blog. It's a strange thing to realize that I am now old enough to be the MOTHER of some of my youngest college students.  But recognizing some of these things about myself is, in a way, more freeing than being in my early 20's and looking ahead to my whole life in front of me.  Life is funny that way. And you know what?  I STILL have my whole life ahead of me, however long God has planned. ;-)



Grace and peace,
Becky

Impact Unknown

So there's an article in the Huff Post circulating about this student note: 

I would venture to say this is the kind of note that is every teacher's dream gift and motivation, and I've been so blessed to have received similar notes and messages through the years.  I always treasure them.

This has been an especially difficult semester, but God knew just how to strengthen and encourage me here at the semester's end.  And it's made me realize more than ever that it doesn't matter how short a season you interact with a person - you can have great influence in his or her life.

Can I be really honest?  My passion is music.  Stick with me.  What I mean is my passion is music and teaching music is a natural extension of that desire to enable others to experience the same emotions, perhaps transcendence even, that music stirs within me.  Because of that, I'm absolutely thrilled when those student notes express things like, "I could never hit that high A before you!!"  I love that.  But what I think is easy to overlook is the fact that, as a teacher, I have the capacity to impact students in ways other than musically.

Just this semester, there's the note from a former student thanking me for building his confidence and helping pull him out of a dark depression.  There's the note in which a student thanked me for being an inspiration and for holding such high expectations that my classes helped draw him off a path of self-destruction and drug abuse.  There's the note in which a student credits me for helping encourage and push her to keep working hard and become a successful student in all her classes.  There's the anonymous note that thanked me for always being a wonderful example of Christ's love.

Whether posted on social media for all to see, sent in a private email, or handwritten on a card, these notes mean so very much to me.  Trust me:  It's all too easy to focus on those students who fail.  These are the ones I cannot help because they refuse to meet me halfway.  It's the most discouraging facet of teaching - students who don't succeed!  It saddens me that these students haven't been academically motivated before they get to college and don't seem to connect their own discipline with a better life in the future.

As a teacher, that's what I want most of all - to give students a reason to want to succeed.  To help them find value in being excellent in whatever they put their hand or mind to, in doing their very best.  Not because they think I deserve their best, but because THEY deserve to know the fruits of their own best labor.

So here is my thank you to my students, past, present, and future, who decide to do their best.  You are the reason I keep teaching.  You are MY inspiration.  Now...let me share some music with you.

Jesus Just Wants You to Be...Happy?

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!   

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!

 If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. 

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!  (Clap, Clap)

Where did you learn this little ditty?  Pre-School?  Scouts?  Barney?   I’m not sure where I first learned it, but I’m pretty sure we sang it in church.  Right alongside “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!  Where?!  Down in my heart to stay!” 

But more and more on social media, I see posts like this:

 "Jesus wants everyone to be happy.  This picture makes me feel good.  I think Jesus was one of the happiest people on earth.  He proved this by dying for us and that He loves you and me.  What more could you ask of our Lord.  He asks very little from each of us.  May Jesus bring you a blessing today!"

And this:

"You might be a hypocrite if...you turn Jesus' message of faith and love 

into one of fear and hate."

Aaaaand these:

"The best cure for CHRISTIANITY is reading the Bible."  -Mark Twain 

 "GOD HATES BIBLE THUMPERS."

 

 And many other similar posts calling out the so-called “hypocrites” of Christianity in the name of “God is Love.”  And I’ve got to admit, it rubs me the wrong way.  

• Do I believe God is love?  Yes.  Whole-heartedly. 

• Do I believe we should sit in judgment over people and eagerly point out their sin?  That would be a  no. Got my own sin to worry about.

• Do I believe we should never talk about sin or Hell because it may turn people away from God’s message of love?  Sigh. 

I think this is where things have gone awry.  And I’m guilty of it, too.  But friends, the “good news” of the gospel is this:  “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 

Yes, it’s about love.  But it’s also about our desperate and utter NEED for Him.  While we were yet SINNERS. 

So when I hear friends assert that Christians need to read the Bible because they obviously don’t get it- that Jesus is all about love and acceptance since He ate with prostitutes and tax collectors- I feel such a pang of unease.  Not because I feel guilty that I am “one of those hypocrites” who stresses fear, but because I feel guilty that I’ve perhaps contributed to this misnomer that God is ONLY about love.  That I’ve misled souls into trusting that because God is good and God is love and God is merciful, that He is not also a God of righteous judgment and a God of wrath and a God of justice. 

So, yes!  Let’s read the Bible.  Let’s see what the scriptures say.  Let’s not act like we already know what it says. Because I don't think you can read the New Testament and still believe that all Jesus asks of you is to be happy and spread love.  There's so much more--let's not simplify the Bible.

“For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword,

and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow,

and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”  Hebrews 4:12

Open letter of comfort to the people of Newtown, CT

Dear, dear victims,

                Please know your nation stands behind you.  You are not alone in your grief.  People all over America and perhaps the entire globe, have followed your story with hearts aching for your tragedy and eyes welling with tears. We feel the crushing weight of loss—that of young life and that of innocence—strongly and continuously.  You and your loved ones will not be easily forgotten and many of us pray that God will redeem your pain—that there will be good to come out of this. 

                We are crying out for steps to be taken to erase this kind of threat from ever happening again.  Though there is not agreement in our country as to what those measures should be, there is certainly a unison cry against the evil that has so impacted your town.   We hope you can be comforted in a small way by our collective support.

                As for the question of “why,” we may never know this side of Heaven what God’s divine purposes are, but I find personal solace in His Word that He “works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).  This tragedy brings to mind the famous words of Joseph, spoken to his brothers who betrayed him:  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)  We pray that God is taking what was meant to harm you and turning it around for good—He is working in the midst of all this.  He is a good God and He loves you.

                As a people, we feel the ache of your heart to the depths of our souls.  Parents, siblings, friends, and family--we can only imagine the unrelenting sorrow which threatens to overwhelm you.  We pray for a peace that passes all understanding to wash over you!  We pray for your brokenness to be made whole and your wounds to be healed.  We know this will take time, but we pray for a quickening in the healing process because we can’t fathom being in your place.  Remember that “God is near to the brokenhearted and He rescues those whose spirits are crushed!” (Psalm 34:18)  

                Jesus, who demonstrated His deep love for the little children, also called to us: “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you.  Let Me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

We pray for PEACE
through the anger, the fear, and the worries.  

We pray for COMFORT
to fill the hole left by grief.  

We pray for LIGHT
to shine through this penetrating darkness.  

We pray for RELIEF
from the weighty heaviness.  

We pray for HOPE
to overwhelm the despair.  

We pray for LOVE
to demonstrate its power over evil. 

We pray for REDEMPTION of the pain—
for BEAUTY to arise from the ashes.  

We pray BECAUSE
we know God’s ways are higher than ours, 
but we can trust that He is good and He loves us 
more than we can even understand. 

We pray you will be ABLE
to turn to Him for all these things.

He is eager to GIVE YOU
the peace, the comfort, the light, the relief, the hope, 
the love, the redemption, the beauty that is Him. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord.

“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future!”

~ Jeremiah 29:11

Take heart.  You are not alone.  We are hurting with you.  

Grace and peace to you from the bottom of my heart.